A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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