I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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