He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
