just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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