I feel great
I just peed on a car
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
