That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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