can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
