totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize