I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
