I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize