Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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