Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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