God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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