Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
