my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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