I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
