I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
