Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
