You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
