I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
false alarm. still invincible.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
