I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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