I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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