so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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