i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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