woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
