I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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