remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
