Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
