My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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