you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
