Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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