saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
