Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Non-Jews are for practice
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize