I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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