The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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