I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
