the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
