Where did you get a picture of my penis
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
