I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I understand Curling. That high.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
