Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
