i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
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