shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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