I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
