Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
