Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
