so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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