Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
