I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
