My Higher Power is John Stamos
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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