Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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