I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize