I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
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