i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You've changed since you got that strap on
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