My liver just broke up with me...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
