You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
