New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
