Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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